May 2, 2013

Dear Diary: Why do I hate working out?!

I am still cracking up every time I read the following email that a friend sent to me. It's too funny so I have to share it with you:


Dear Diary, 
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 23 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 25-year-old personal trainer and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

I started my day at 6am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the healthy club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WooHoo!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he demonstrated the exercises. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from sucking it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. 

The only way I can brush my teeth today is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it... I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked in the handicapped space in the club parking lot. The ticket will be worth it. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that I wasn't trying my best. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me to get in shape and enjoy my life. He said some other shit too.

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. I told him I had to run to the bathroom where I was able to kill another 15 minutes before he sent in some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. 

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer like a drama coach or a choir director?

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up to day. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote so I ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will buy me a fun gift -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Yep. Still cracking up. First I laughed so hard I cried but then it hit me... Am I Christo?! To some people I'm sure I have been. And that's OK, no exercise is right for everyone. I'm not right for everyone.

Have you ever felt this way about your workout routine? In the past, I definitely have. We start out with such great intentions. We know how exercising can change our lives for the better and yet we just hate it! Where did we go wrong? What are we missing?

As in the case of our "Dear Diary," working out everyday is not realistic. I get it. We are gung-ho. We are committed. We are doing this! And I love the enthusiasm, I really do. However, working out 7 days a week (even as an expert) is tough! Our body needs at least a day to recover. If you're starting something new, commit to 3 or 4 days a week and if you want to gradually increase to 5 or 6 days, go for it! But when I say commit, I mean it. Really commit. Put it in your planner and make it a pritority. If it's not a priority, then something will ALWAYS get in the way. Set aside at least 3 hours of the week to work on your fitness goals and don't break your appointment.

Moral of the story? Find something that YOU love. Personal training isn't for everyone. I've always enjoyed group classes more than one-on-one. But even still, I never looked forward to my workout until I started Barre classes. I found what worked for me. I promise there is something great waiting for you, a workout that you will look forward to every single time. Maybe it's hiking, running, a dance class, swimming... there are so many options.

What works for you?

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